I ran my first marathon in February 2019, and have run 13 total since. In all of these training cycles, I have never not finished a training run. (Though I did drop out of one marathon race because I was going slow and my daughter had somewhere to be, which I wrote about here. That made me freak the freak out.)

But yesterday I did a new thing. I stopped my 20 mile training run at 17.66 miles.

I have finished absurd runs under all manner of absurd circumstances. Driving rain, with motorists pulling over to see if I need a ride? I’ll keep going, thanks. Upchuck in my mouth because of dietary decisions that, in hindsight, were rather obviously not compatible with running (dinner as four slices of jalapeno pizza with jalapeno poppers on the side, and beer, the night before)? Finished the damn run.

But yesterday I bonked. This is a phrase that means, “run out of energy.” I have certainly bonked before. What I have not done is stop a run because I bonked. Instead, I drag myself. It’s torture but I know how to finish when this happens.

But yesterday I didn’t do that. I just stopped. It was about to become 80 degrees, and climb another five or six, and I didn’t want to mess with that. Not after 17.66 miles of sweating in the sun.

There was a mental chaos, a psychiatric falling through gravity that resulted from this rather unprecedented decision. I always finish my runs. What happens if I don’t finish my run?

Turns out? Nothing.

Except that I feel like a better runner today than I did yesterday. I learned something profound:

I need to fuel myself more. I’d already known this, but turns out what I was telling myself was “more” was not enough.

Additionally, if it’s hot out, I’m better off switching to treadmill, or rescheduling. Period.

This is a life lesson indeed, to invest in myself more than I think I need to, and to take external conditions at least as seriously as I take my goals.

Yesterday’s training run taught me more than so many others where I have bonked and kept going. I know how to perform superhuman. What I didn’t know was if I could accept a failure and learn.

Turns out I can.

And feel great!